


Family Of Choice

by Pline



Series: From The Ashes [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crew as Family, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, M/M, POV Alternating, Past Abuse, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, Tarsus IV, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 21:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7238638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dying has changed his life.</p><p>Jim would have never thought he'd come to appreciate life as much as he does now that he has lost it once.</p><p>One sleepless night, he makes a list of everything he wants to do now that he has been given a second chance.</p><p>.</p><p>1. Be more open about your past<br/>2. Trust people<br/>3. Show them you care<br/>4. Tell Bones you love him<br/>5. Talk about your feelings<br/>6. Stop lying<br/>7. Tarsus IV happened, accept it<br/>8. Forgive your father<br/>9. Be a good captain<br/>10. Live</p>
            </blockquote>





	Family Of Choice

 

> "A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."

William Shakespeare

 

* * *

 

Dying has changed Jim.

All his life, he had flirted with Death in a morbid dance neither was leading.

There were times he was tempted to let it win and give up, but he never did. Perhaps it was his pride, perhaps he simply refused to give reason to anyone who was ever against him.

He kept chasing after Death and kept running from it, always getting close enough to feel it, but never letting it close its cold hands on his heart.

Until, one day, James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise, breathed his last breath, feeling the life escape his body.

“I'm scared,” he had told Spock.

As Death was looming over him, he had never wanted to live this much.

It was too late.

He was dead.

 

* * *

 

And then he was not.

 

* * *

 

To his surprise, people were upset with his temporary death.

He knew Bones would be sad, and he had seen Spock's reaction first hand. Scotty would probably feel guilty, he assumed.

He never expected to see so many people openly showing they cared about him.

He never expected to have so many people caring about him.

Reprimands, thanks, orders not to do anything like that again, a few tears, countless smiles, small touches...

There were thousand of ways to show love, and his crew did not hesitate to let him know they cared about him.

It was nothing he had ever experienced before.

It was overwhelming.

 

* * *

 

James Tiberius Kirk died and came back a different man.

 

* * *

 

He turned his back on Death and never looked back.

Oh, sure, one day he would die again, and this time not even Bones would bring him back.

That day, he would be ready, but he would no longer seek the thrill of coming close to Death.

He decided it was time to live, fully and without reserve, let go of his fears and doubts.

The world had thought him carefree before, but he was only always lost. Not anymore, he thought, now he had a crew to guide him out of the darkness, away from Death.

 

* * *

* * *

 

One night, sleep eludes him.

It is no surprise, he has has trouble sleeping since he woke up from the dead. He thinks he is afraid of closing his eyes and never opening them again.

Stupid, really, but he can't help the thought.

That night, one of too many, nothing is different from the countless insomnias he has ever had. Even before dying, he has always been troubled. He could not stop thinking, Sam used to joke that he needed a turn-off button for his brain.

When Sam left, he spent his nights in his brother's bed, praying the sky for him to return, but he never did.

When he found himself on Tarsus IV, he spent his nights looking at his kids and listening for guards.

When he returned to Earth, nothing more than skin on bones, he spent his nights curling up in a foreign bed, crying soundlessly in his pillow and hating himself for it.

When he drifted away from school, he spent his nights in strangers' beds, looking in a moment of pleasure the solace he never grasped during the day.

When he got into the Academy, he spent his nights studying, making sure he would graduate in three years with top grades so he could prove himself worthy.

When he was made captain of the USSR Enterprise, he spent his nights supervising and taking care of everything.

All his life, he has run away from sleep and the nightmares it contains.

That night should not have been any different from any other, except it is. It is different because he is different. He has changed and it's not because of the superhuman blood pumping through his veins.

While he laid tin the warp core, feeling the radiation poisoning his body, he thought about everything he would do if he had more time. Everything he would say.

And more time he was given.

He takes his PADD and opens a new document.

_Ten things to do before dying for good._

 

* * *

 

It is not as easy as he would have hoped. He might have changed, but he is still Jim Kirk, and emotions do not come easy to him. He feels everything with a burning passion, but he can never put words on those emotions.

He has hidden behind a mask for so long, he is afraid of how the world will react at seeing his true face. He himself is scared of what he would find beneath it. He fooled the world for so long, he even fooled himself.

He starts slowly by saying a few heartfelt comments to Bones – who at first looks at him like he grew another head – or by complimenting Uhura without any double-entendre. When he sees his crew – his friends, they correct him – he talks with them, really talk with them and listens. He learns a lot about them but also about himself.

The mask is still there, although they can catch glimpse of the man behind.

 

* * *

 

Months later, the USS Enterprise is finally ready for more space adventure, and every member of its crew cannot wait to go back into the black.

(Well, everyone but Doctor Leonard McCoy who grumbles and complains but who would not have it any other way. He is not going to leave that damn kid by himself where he could get hurt, or worse. It happened once, never again, he swears to himself.)

Jim is bubbling with energy as he finally gives the order to leave Earth.

At last, he is in his element.

 

* * *

 

There is a piece of paper, pressed in the pocket above his heart on which is written his new rules.

 

* * *

 

 

  * 1\. Be more open about your past



 

In the first weeks of the Enterprise taking off, not much happens. Everyone on board is easing back into the habits of being on a spaceship. It's natural for them, almost as much as breathing, but they had a long time on Earth, and it feels strange to come back.

Last time they were there, people died.

Jim looks out for his crew members, he makes sure no one is depressed, even if he can't talk to all of them. It is his duty as captain, but it's not the only reason.

He feels guilty for being alive when others have died. They did not have an angry persistent doctor looking out for them. It's not fair, he thinks.

(Bones smacked him when he brought it up once. He had looked so enraged then, he did not even speak but James got the message loud and clear.)

Still, he feels bad.

He bursts out some of that tension in the gym, that's how the idea comes to him.

“Chekov, with me!” he says joyfully after they finish a shift.

He ignores the puzzled looks that gets him and drags the young man to the gym. Chekov is clearly confused and Jim gets a pang of sadness as he remembers other kids who looked at him with the same questioning and adoring eyes.

“I'm going to teach you how to fight.”

Chekov frowns.

“Sir,” he says respectfully, “I had combat training at the academy.”

“I know, but they teach you how to play by the rules. In a real fight, people will be ruthless, you need to be ready for that.”

Chekov is still frowning, but he decides not to interject. The captain obviously wants to teach him something, and he will never throw away that opportunity. He simply nods his agreement.

“Good! Now punch me.”

“Sorry, what?”

“Punch me.”

Captain Kirk must have lost his mind, he thinks. There is no way he is going to punch anyone, and especially someone he admires as much as he does his captain.

“Come on, I've had worse! I know you thought about it, at least once. Ah! Don't lie, it's okay, I just have that effect on people. Now, punch me, it's an order, Ensign.”

When given an order, Chekov obeys.

His fist never touches the other's face. Kirk avoids it easily and in a second, he has Chekov laying on his back.

“Get back up!”

They train for an hour. Pavel knows the basics, but Jim – as he demands to be called when off duty – knows way more than he does on hand-to-hand combat. He dodges most of the hits Chekov sends him, but he never glows about it. He teaches him techniques he has never heard of before, but they work and he progresses fast.

Chekov did not think he would have fun fighting, but he does, which is mostly due to the jokes Jim keeps making about everything and anything that crosses his mind.

Later, as they sit in silence to catch their breath and drink some water, Jim flashes him a proud smile.

“You did good, kid,” he says – the endearing term slipping off his mouth without thinking, he clearly spends too much time with Bones.

Pavel tries not to preen but fails miserably.

“Do you wanna know why I made you train like this?”

He shakes his head, actually curious to hear the answer.

“When I was fourteen, I got into a bad fight. I didn't have a choice, and I knew they wanted me dead.”

Chekov says nothing but Jim must see the incomprehension and concern behind his bright eyes because he pats his knee in a reassuring gesture. Rationally, he knows his captain made it out alive, but that does not calm him. Still, he keeps his mouth shut. He can sense that he is about to hear something about Kirk's past that he does not bring about often.

“They were three against me, and one of them must have been part something because he was really fucking huge. I'm sure he could have crushed my skull with just one of his hands. The thing is, I could have run away, I've always been pretty fast on my feet. But I didn't.”

“Why, sir?” Chekov asks when it becomes clear Kirk is waiting for the question.

“I wasn't alone. There were some other kids with me, younger, smaller, they couldn't run as fast as me, or for as long as I could. So I stayed and I fought. And I won. Do you know how I won, Pavel?”

The latter shakes his head, completely engrossed in the story. It is rare that the Captain opens about his past, and rarely for stories of the like. This one seems different somehow, there is an edge to his voice that makes it sound important.

“I fought dirty and with everything I got. They were bigger, yes, but I was desperate. I wasn't fighting for myself, I was fighting for my kids. I was faster and my being smaller than them was an advantage. The thing is, I know you can fight, but you're thin and pretty and people won't look behind the baby face. They are going to underestimate you.”

Pavel's face clouds. He knows that, people already do. He always has to prove himself to everyone before they take him seriously.

“No, Chekov, you don't get it. Yes, people will underestimate you, but it's their fault, and it's a stupid mistake. Those three guys who tried to kill me, they only saw the scrawny kid who stoop up for the smaller children, they didn't see me for what I was.”

“What were you?”

Jim smiles somberly.

“Ready to do anything if it meant saving my kids.”

Pavel says nothing for a while, and neither does Jim who looks like he is back to that time where he had to fight for his life and the ones of small children. Pavel wonders why that was, what made a fourteen year old boy fought three men like this?

“What happened to the men who attacked you, sir?”

He blurts out the question without thinking. It is not what he wanted to ask, frankly he is afraid of what the answer might be. The captain must understand because he chuckles lightly.

“I didn't kill them if that's what you're asking. I knocked them out and tied them up, and we ran away.”

There are so many questions running in Chekov's head. Why was he alone to take care of kids? Why did he have to fight for his life? Who protected him?

In the end, he asks nothing more but says the truest thing he can think of:

“I am glad, sir, that you won.”

“Me too, Chekov, me too,” and he is surprised to realize he means it.

 

* * *

 

  * 2\. Trust people



 

James Kirk is full of wonders. He is the polar opposite of Spock, as Nyota often says. Still, they work seamlessly together, their differences make them complimentary. They have grown closer due to the hardships they had to face. Jim, as he insists on being called when off-duty, is a good captain and someone Spock is proud to call a friend.

Yet, the captain remain quite infuriating at times.

Presently, the captain, himself and Mr Xeo, a young ensign, are standing on a planet which name even he cannot pronounce and where they are supposed to prevent a conflict from turning into a civil war, which seems to a disturbing occurrence in their line of work.

The mission proves to be more difficult that they have anticipated.

“This is a mess,” the captain declares 7.35 minutes after they have landed.

Spock agrees, although he would not word it as such.

Thankfully, there is no fighting when they arrive – “yet” says Jim – but the inhabitants are clearly divided into two groups and arguing so loudly, nothing can be heard.

Tentatives to talk peacefully with the leaders of both factions are unsatisfactory, as they refuse to even be in the same room together. Kirk leads the discussions as best as he can manage, but the leaders refuse to listen to him. Even Spock can feel the annoyance creeping up his mind.

“Mr Spock, a word, please.”

The Vulcan follows his captain's order and walks with him until they are away from the leaders' earshot.

“How can I be of assistant, sir?”

“They won't listen to anything I say,” Kirk complains. “I'm trying my best, but they keep saying I'm too irrational and brash.”

Spock's eyebrow shots up, and that is question enough.

“Yeah, I know, it's kinda true, but still, I'm in captain mode here. I'm coming up with real solutions but the only thing they can agree on is that humans suck. So, you're taking over the negotiations.”

The idea has occurred to him, but he said nothing to the captain, because he knows he is no type of man to back down from a challenge, as illogical as it can be.

“I must say I am pleasantly surprised, captain. I did not except you to accept you could not do something.”

“Way to boost your friends' confidence, Spock.”

“My apologies. I did not mean to insinuate you were incapable of pursuing the mission.”

Jim snickers; he does not appear offended or afflicted. That is also a surprise. Spock would have thought a man such as his friend – someone who feels so intensely and who refuses to believe in no-win scenario – would feel at least annoyed at the situation.

“Don't worry, Spock. Look, I know I could get through to them, but I also know you could do it in no time and probably even come up with a better solution for everyone.”

Spock nods. It is indeed the best course of action there is. Still, he cannot drop the subject. He feels unsettled, and he does not like it.

“I confess that I did not think you would give over the peace talks. I have noticed you have trouble accepting that you need help.”

“Have you talked to Bones or what? No, don't answer that, it's rhetorical, he just gives me the same speech pretty much everyday. To answer you, I've decided to rely more on people, it'd be stupid to keep us here for weeks when you can do this in two days.”

Jim's voice and attitude are still as carefree and sure as ever, but Spock notices a hint of insecurity. He wonders again if he will ever understand the human psyche.

“Geez, don't give me that look,” Jim says. “You're not going to let this down until I give you an explanation, right?”

“Yes.”

“Stubborn prick,” he mutters.

Spock knows enough of human psychology to appreciate the affection hidden behind the apparent insult.

“I'm going to tell you something real fast before you go back to Dumb and Dumber over there, okay? And I'm never going to mention it again, and if you do bring it up, I'll lie and say I don't know what you're talking about.”

He nods his agreement.

“Great. So, long story short: after I died, I made a decision.”

Spock flinches at how carelessly Jim mentions his death. However brief it was, it left none of the crew unmarked.

“I made a list of the things I wanted to do, since I was given a second chance and all that. Trusting people is on that list. Letting you do this, is trusting someone to do something. I know I'm the captain and I need to delegate, but I've been on my own for most of my life, and sometimes I still get bothered by it. And if I can't rely on my friends and trust them to do things I know they can do, who can I trust really? Anyway, I'm trusting you to do this, and I'm also trusting you to forget this little talk.”

“It seems unlikely I shall forget it, captain, unless my memories are somehow compromised.”

“Don't play stupid with me, Spock, I know you get what I mean.”

For once, Spock lets himself smile.

“Thank you, Jim.”

“Whatever. Go do your job, now.”

They do finish the mission quite easily after that.

That night, during his meditation, Spock carefully adds the exchange to his most cherished memory, so as to never forget the importance of his friendship with James Kirk.

 

* * *

 

  * 3\. Show them you care



 

Dequl possesses an unique flora that has fascinated botanists everywhere since the discovery of the small planet ten years ago. It is populated by a race of short blue aliens who refuse almost all contact with the outside. They are peaceful but want to keep their many traditions intact.

Rare are the people who have set foot there, and no one has ever been able to take anything from Dequl. There have been few reports on its vegetation, but nothing that is enough to get a clear idea of its particularities. The only thing Sulu is certain of, is that getting a chance to go there is a dream of his.

One of its flowers particularity interest Sulu because it is said to be sentient. Some even say it possesses the ability to sense people's emotions and project its own.

Alas, the Qza, as it is called, is considered sacred on Dequl and never to be taken from its home planet.

Starfleet has been surprised when they received a message from Dequl, but Sulu is delighted. The USS Enterprise is ordered to go there at once: one of the leader's daughter, Shafara, is gravely sick and the healers are out of their depths.

Sulu feels a bit guilty for being so excited at the perspective of going on Dequl and observing by himself its flora, when a child is in danger.

Unfortunately, the leader has asked that only a small team beams down, still reserved at the idea of welcoming strangers. Despite asking Kirk a few times, Sulu is not permitted to go. He expects it, but feels down nonetheless.

Only the captain himself, McCoy and Uhura go down there, and Nyota promises she will try to look at some flowers while on the mission. He does not expect much, but he can appreciate the sentiment.

The mission, for once, is a success. McCoy saves Shafara, and the people have accepted, out of gratitude, to open up more, and even talks of them entering the Federation have been mentioned.

Uhura tells him she did not get the chance to observe much of the vegetation there, but she winks at him like there is something he does not know.

Later, after his shift, Sulu is in the botanical facility, relaxing by checking his plants. He is so engrossed in his care that he does not notice Kirk standing next to him until the man loudly clears his throat.

“Sir! Sorry, I didn't see you there. Can I help you?”

“No problem, Sulu. And, as a matter of fact, I've got a little something for you.”

Sulu then notices that Kirk is hiding something behind his back. Something that is revealed to a be a delicate pink flower with purple veins, and dark green leaves. The description matches perfectly the Qza, but it can't be, can it?

“Is this...?”

“Yep. Sulu meet the famous Qza. Hynh, the leader, gave it to me and I thought you'd be the best one to take care of it.”

At loss for words, Sulu can only gasp at him.

“So, you want it or not, Helmsman?”

“Yes!” he answers almost frantically. “But, sir, how did you manage to get one? It's never been done before.”

“Well, they'd obviously never met me.”

Kirk's dismissal is said with a smirk, but Sulu has trouble buying it. He thanks his captain over and over again, too overjoyed to think much about how Kirk did it. His reaction amuses Jim to no end, but Sulu does not care.

 .

He asks Uhura the next day, before their shift.

“How did he do it?”

She puts down her PADD and looks up at him. She does not need him to clarify what he means, she is way too sharp for that.

“He sang to the daughter.”

“He what?”

In spite of all his bravado – that his closest crew members know now to be mostly for show – Kirk is strangely shy when it comes to singing in front of people. At one of the karaoke night the crew hosts, he flat out refused to sing anything, pretexting to save everyone's hearing by doing so.

“Oh. How bad was it?”

Uhura looks pensive as she answers.

“He has a beautiful voice, it's warm and deep.”

Sulu frowns. It makes no sense then, why would James Kirk pass an occasion to show off? But then again, there is more to the captain that comes to the eyes.

“So he sang to a kid and they decided to give him a sacred plant which they never did? That's it?”

“No. He made a deal specifically for it. They made him learn one of their religious chant, and he did so while McCoy was busy saving Shafara. I helped him memorize it, it was difficult and long, but you know him. He's too stubborn to give up.”

“You are telling me that the captain, who'd rather face an army of Klingons by himself than sing in front of anyone, accepted to sing a song in a language he does not know so he could bring back a flower?”

Uhura smiles, she probably would deny it, but Sulu can see the fond affection there.

“Does it surprise you?”

It actually does not.

.

The next day, Sulu is up earlier than usual. He goes to check on the Qza, which seems to be growing just fine. There is something slightly unnerving about it, as if it's following Sulu's every movements.

But if the flower can really project emotions on humans, it is not malicious, as Sulu is in a content mood as he waters it and leaves the botanical facility to get his breakfast.

His captain is already there, eating cereals and looking at something on his PADD.

“Sir,” Sulu says as he sits.

“Good morning, Lieutenant! You're up early.”

“I could say the same thing.”

“Touché.”

He snickers and gets back to eating his cereals without adding anything. It takes Sulu a few minutes to decide he has to say something, and he says:

“Sir, I wanted to th – ”

“Sulu, I swear if the next words coming out of your mouth are to thank me again, I'll make you have a complete check-up with Doctor McCoy.”

The pilot nods, trying to hide his discontent.

“Permission to speak freely, sir?”

“I'll probably regret this, but sure, go ahead.”

“Uhura told me what you did to get the Qza. You made a deal for it, it wasn't just given to you as a thank you.”

“So?”

Kirk's expression is carefully crafted with fake indifference and nonchalance. Sulu is not fooled.

“Why did you do it? You hate singing.”

“Why does it matter? I did, you got your flower. Shouldn't you be happy?”

“I am, truly I am. I just don't understand why you went through so much trouble for something that is no use for you.”

Kirk notices McCoy and Scotty queuing for their food, and he passes a hand through his hair. They only have a few minutes left before their table gets occupied by their friends.

“Look, I heard you talking about it with Chekov, I know it matters to you. So, really, it's nothing, no trouble at all. It's just a gift between friends.”

Jim's eyes are intense and fixed on him, silently begging to understand. Of course, someone as self-sacrificial as him would go through something he does not like just to make a friend happy, and could not outwardly say it.

Sulu nods.

“Thank you. Jim.”

He is rewarded by a blinding smile and a tap on his shoulder.

“Anytime, Hikaru.”

 

* * *

 

  * 4\. ~~Tell Bones you love him~~



 

Jim watches closely as Bones checks his vitals. The doctor is wearing a frown, as always, but he is more relaxed than he has been in a long time, not since Jim died.

It hurts to think about what his dearest friend had to suffer through. He can only imagine how he would feel if Bones died. He knows he would not survive it.

“Everything is normal, kid, you're healthy. Just maybe eat some more greens and it'll be even better.”

“I could have told you that, Bones.”

“Like I listen when you talk.”

Jim presses a hand to his heart, opening his mouth in exaggerated shock.

“I'm hurt, Bones. How could you say such things to your best friend?”

“Oh, cry me a river.”

Jim smiles. He loves their banter, it gives him a sense of familiarity and normality despite everything that's happened. No matter what, Bones is there, too stubborn to let him go, too stubborn to even let Death separate them.

It's not the first time Jim gets submerged by his love for his grumpy friend. He has known he was in love with Leonard McCoy since the Christmas of their first year, back at the Academy. Too unsure and scared about his reaction, Jim has always kept his feelings to himself.

Today, he thinks about confessing.

It's a thought he has entertained a lot, but he is too afraid of losing Bones if he does not feel the same. Their friendship is so important to him, he has never thought he could risk it.

That was before dying and having Bones never know about how he feels.

Bones has proved over and over again that he will stand by Jim's side through everything. The worst thing that could happen would be a few tense and awkward months of interactions, before Jim can pretend not to be in love with him anymore.

And since Bones brought him back from the dead, Jim cannot help but hope.

Their friendship has always been easy and natural. Relationships are messy and they've both been scarred, they have different stories but they _get_ each other effortlessly.

His hearts aches for more. Still, he has doubts.

“Kid? You're still with me?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, sorry.”

Jim does not like how concerned Bones looks, so he smiles and adds:

“Just thinking about some stuff, nothing to worry about.”

“Well, don't hurt your pretty head by doing that too much. You're not used to it.”

They start bickering again, and it's simple, it's what they have always done. Bones is so alive in this instant, his face so expressive. Jim just loves him so much his heart could burst out of his chest, like in one of those old-fashioned cartoons from the 20th century.

“Sure you okay, though?” Bones asks when they stop fussing.

“I...”

He breathes in.

“I just don't know what I'd do without you."

Close enough, but still not what he meant to say.

Bones smiles. It's soft and warm and Jim knows he could never be sad if he does not love him the same way. He will take what he can get, and it will always be more than he ever deserves.

“We damn know what you'd do: something stupid and reckless.”

“Isn't that what I do anyway?”

“And who'd patch you up afterwards?”

No one would.

Jim would die and stay dead.

Hell he wouldn't have made it this far without Bones.

“Now get out of my sickbay, some of us got a job and don't get to sit in a chair doing nothing all day.”

Undoubtedly, there are things Jim cannot bring himself to say yet.

He will, he promises himself. He will. Just, not today.

He will wait for the perfect opportunity.

 

* * *

 

 

  * 5\. Talk about your feelings



 

Looking at the stars has always calmed Jim.

One of his childhood's fondest memories, one of the few he has, is climbing out his window at night to admire the dark sky. The first time, Sam had yelled at him for being so reckless, but Jim had kept doing it. After he realized scolding his baby brother was no use, Sam would simply join him on the roof.

Being on a spaceship does not diminish his need of seeing the stars, and even after all this time, they still hold the same power over him.

He is not surprised when Uhura joins him at the Observation Desk. It is something they do sometimes after a difficult mission. They sit in silence and look at the infinity of space below them. They meet there especially after Jim has been hurt or has been in danger, either because he was unfortunate, or because he was too preoccupied with the lives of his friends and crew members to care for his own.

He did not understand, at first, why she would sit with him like this, when she could be with Spock, or anyone else really, she is a fairly friendly person. In one of their rare discussions, he asked her.

“I just want to make sure you are alright. You worry me, Captain.”

The time Nyota Uhura thought Jim Kirk to be nothing but a mindless flirt is long gone. He is now her friend, one of the most important person in her life even. She knows he does not always see it, but she only wishes him the best. It pains her how easily he is ready to throw his life away for others, as if he was less important.

Being with him, even if they say nothing, after she almost lost him once again brings her some peace. She has noticed a change in his attitude since the _warp incident_ , as many call it. Perhaps dying taught him the preciousness of life.

Today, the silence is heavier than usual. On their last mission, Jim had been ready to die for the away team, including herself and Sulu, to go back to the Enterprise unharmed. It was only thanks Uhura's quick thinking that they got out without any blood shed.

All the things she wants to tell him – angry rants, apologies, reassurances – she keeps to herself because she knows her captain does not do well with feelings. Anytime someone tries to compliment him, he jokes about it and runs. She can see now the truth behind his bad boy attitude, and she ponders why it took her so long to see it.

That is why she is utterly thrown off guard when he starts talking:

“I'm sorry.”

His voice is low and grave, he does not look at her, his eyes firmly kept on the stars.

“I, hm, you told me once that I worry you. It's not my intention. But, Uhura, you gotta understand: between my life and the lives of my crew, I'll always choose my crew. I don't want any of you to die.”

She sighs. If only he was not so noble in his self-righteousness.

“What about us? Do you ever think of that? We don't want you to die either. We had to go through that once, I'd rather not go through it again any time soon.”

“I know... It's just...” he stops himself, changes his mind. “After Bones brought me back, I realized some stuff and I made some decisions.”

He halts again, and she does not insist. She knows more than enough about body language to understand that he is struggling with his words.

“I never had this really, or if I did, it never lasted,” he starts again. “People who give a shit about me like this, I mean. At first I figured it was because I was the captain and you had to, but hell. Even someone as obtuse as I am with feelings can see it runs deeper than that.”

Uhura feels bad for him, she wonders not for the first time what his life has been for him to be so taken aback when people genuinely care about him.

“And I don't wanna lose that,” he continues. “I can't lose any of you, and if I can help it, then I won't. So yeah, I'd rather be a self-sacrificial idiot than let one of you get hurt.”

She takes his hand and squeezes it in silence comfort. A few years back, she would have never thought she'd ever see him so open and vulnerable, but she isn't the same person she was when she met him, and neither is he.

“I remember what it's like being dead.”

The confession takes her by surprise.

“I thought you said you didn't.”

“Because I didn't. Not at first. But I started remembering, mostly feelings, sensations. I didn't wanna worry anyone more than you all already were, so I kept it to myself. But, yeah, I do. It was not pleasant, to say the least. It was cold and dark and lonely, so lonely – I remember I tried screaming but I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything, I was powerless. Maybe it was my own personal hell, my twisted version of the afterlife, made especially for me, some sort of punishment I guess.”

He laughs. It is hollow and it scares her.

“I never dared to hope for peace, even in death, so I wasn't really surprised, but still, I kept trying to scream, to call for help. I don't know if I imagined it all – the darkness, the cold – but it doesn't matter. Whatever it was, I don't care. I don't want this for you, any of you, not if I can prevent it.”

“We'll all die eventually,” she says softly, shaken by his confession.

“I know that,” he scoffs. “But when you do, it'll be when you're old and gray with a family around. Not because an asshole alien was in a bad mood because he didn't get breakfast.”

Overwhelmed by her affection for this dumb idiot she could call brother, she hugs him and he hugs her back. Words have left her but she does not care. Jim is a man of action, and she knows the message gets across.

“You're an idiot,” she says when they part. “Worrying is part of caring, but that doesn't mean you can't try to take less risks. We know how to defend ourselves, let us protect you too.”

“I'll do my best.”

They smile to one another, a small private smile, before looking back at the stars.

 

* * *

 

 

  * 6\. Stop lying



 

The burning sensation of the alcohol going down his throat is one of pleasure, and Scotty sighs, content. He is where he feels the most at home, down in the heart of the Enterprise where he can feel her rumbling in his bones.

Scotty is not sent on away mission as often as some others like Spock or Uhura, but the inhabitants of the planet Fauhd possessed quite advanced technology that the captain wanted him to check out. The aliens were mostly humanoid – apart from their mandibles – and they were welcoming of Starfleet. They had wanted to discuss with them the possibility to enter the Federation, and it looked like they would easily enough.

Their king, Fywo, was as tall as the rest of his subjects, and was deeply interested in the accords. He kept asking questions to Kirk who answered amiably.

For once, everything was going smoothly. It all changed when Fywo's son arrived. Ta'fa was young, barely a teenager, and when Jim saw him, he became ice cold to their host. Only people who know him well could notice the shift, but both Scotty and Sulu did.

Jim spent the rest of the night talking to the young boy, away from prying eyes, his face serious but kind.

It turned out the king was beating the kid senseless whenever it pleased him.

Jim refused to make any deal with someone like him. Spock tried to reason with him when he learned of the situation, but the captain was stubborn and stood his ground without budging. In the end, the inhabitants of Fauhd really needed Starfleet's protection from the Klingons – which they had failed to mention before – so much that they overthrew their king.

Scotty is glad a full-on civil war was avoided and that the bastard was put to jail, never to hurt his son again, but there is still a question lingering in his mind and that makes it impossible for him to relax.

How did Jim know?

Yes, Ta'fa appeared sad and withdrawn, and Scotty found it strange that he flinched away from his father when the latter put his hand on his shoulder, but he did not think much of it.

Jim though... He knew just from one look, and he simply confirmed his suspicions by talking with the boy. The captain stood in front of the king, unmoving and rightful, cold rage and disgust dripping off of him as he announced he would not continue their talks.

How did he know?

The most obvious answer makes Scotty's heart and fists clench. He has never been the praying type, but he makes an exception this time. He really hopes he is wrong.

The object of his thoughts appears in front of him, and flashes him a tired smile.

“Hey, Scotty,” Jim says. “Mind if I join you?”

Scotty answers by pouring his captain a drink. They talk about repairs that need to be done to their ship, and they talk of the technology they just put their hands on. The discussion flows easily, as always, Jim is a smart and good man. Still, Scotty's mind is elsewhere.

How did he know?

It is strange how he cannot let the thought go. He has always respected a man's secrets, especially concerning something as dark as he suspects. The idea of his friend having gone through something similar as Ta'fa sends shivers down his spine.

Anger boils up his throat as he looses himself in conjectures, and suddenly he cannot talk anymore, chocking up on his own rage.

Jim looks at him, worried, and asks: “You okay, man?”

Scotty grits his teeth. Reasonably, he knows it is the alcohol making him feel so strongly and without reserve. He has never been an angry drunk despite a few bar fights, but he really wishes he could punch someone. Like anyone who ever hurt his captain.

He is somewhat surprised by the strength of his rage, but only for a few seconds. Jim has sacrificed his life to save his crew, and has done nothing but prove his worth to them again and again, even when he did not need to.

 _In Vino Veritas_ , his grandfather used to say. Really, there is no surprise he cares so much about the wee captain.

“How did you know?” he manages to say. “For Ta'fa?”

Jim hears the real question. He sighs.

“Scotty, I just have a good instinct. And, hm, I knew a kid once. That's all.”

The thing is, Scotty does not believe him in the slightest. On the contrary, he feels like his fears have just been just confirmed. There is no mistaking the waver in his voice. Still, Scotty forces his anger down. There is no point.

He wishes he had Uhura's eloquence so he could tell Jim that it's okay, but he does not. He only nods and pours both of them another drink.

Jim watches him closely, and Scotty wants to squirm under the scrutiny but he does not look away. Whatever his captain sees has him sighing again.

“When I was seven, my mom got married to a guy called Frank. I'm pretty sure she just needed someone to take care of Sam and me when she was out in the black.”

His voice does not betray any emotion, his blue eyes are staring at nothing in particular, as if seeing something long gone. Scotty frowns. He has never heard any mention of that.

“Frank didn't really like us. Sam, my big brother by the way, was an angry kid. Surprisingly, at the time, I always did as I was told. Trying to prove myself I guess. Frank and Sam, they clashed a lot, but as long as mom was with us, nothing happened. And then she left.”

Scotty cannot help but wince. He does not like where this is going, but he asked, and he will listen. Jim is a private man and rarely talks about his past. Hell, he did not even know the guy had a brother.

This is important and inestimable. So Scotty listens closely.

“Frank was a mean drunk. He used to beat us, a lot. Principally Sam at first, but Sam kept sneaking out until one day he didn't come back, and, well, someone had to take the hits.”

“Bloody hell, Jim, I...”

“It was a long time ago,” Jim interrupts, sounding resigned, defeated even.

This won't do.

“Doesn't matter! He's an asshole, he had no right to – ”

“Scotty, calm down. It's okay.”

“No, it's not!” he snaps.

Jim smiles, touched by his friend's vehemence and protectiveness.

“That's how I knew. I just had to look, and I knew. Because I was like Ta'fa one day.”

“And hopefully, Ta'fa will grow up to be like you.”

He watches without any amusement as Jim's mouth opens in shock and his eyes widen. Then he starts coughing.

Scotty pretends he does not notice the tears.

“Yeah, well,” Jim says when he regains control of himself. “He'll be fine now.”

“You know, Captain, I have a few friends who could pay a wee visit to that bauchle of yours.”

Jim snorts.

“Scotty, my man, I'm afraid you're too late. Frank has been dead for years now.”

“Damn.”

He really wanted to pay him a visit himself.

“Still. Fuck him.”

Jim raises his glass.

“Well-said, Lieutenant Commander.”

 

* * *

 

 

  * 7\. Tarsus IV happened, accept it



 

“Do you remember that time at in first year, when I made you my primary care doctor and you had to do a full check-up?”

The question throws Leonard off.

Of course he remembers. It was the first time they had a real fight, a big ugly fight.

“Why do you ask?”

“You were mad,” Jim continues like he has not heard him, “because there's a gap in my medical history, and you wanted to know.”

It made no sense, and Leonard had a feeling it was important, but all the questions he asked were dodged with a growing irritability from both of them. At the time, he did not have the patience to deal with Jim's mysterious secrets. He regrets it now.

“I thought I'd ruined the best friendship I'd ever had because I was too fucked up.”

“You didn't,” Bones reminds him.”I gave up on the idea, and we moved past it.”

“More like we pretended it never happened.”

“Why are you bringing this up now, kid?”

They are in the captain's quarters, quietly enjoying each other's presence after a long week. Jim has dark circles under his eyes and his lips are pressed in a sad grimace.

“I couldn't tell you back then. I wasn't ready. But I am now.”

“You don't have to, Jim.”

“I want to.”

“Then I'll listen.”

Bones pushes his drink away from him. He has a feeling he'll need to be at his full capacity for the conversation that is about to unfold.

“I told you about Frank.”

It's not a question, but Leonard nods nonetheless. He clenches his jaw in anger at the mention of the bastard's name but cools it down as soon as it flares. This is not the time.

“Well, when I was twelve, he decided it was time to sell my dad's car, like it was his own. That's why Sam left, it was the last straw for him. Before he left, he told me he couldn't be a Kirk in that house, that if I showed him how to be one, he'd stay.”

Jim is looking straight ahead of him, lost in his thoughts.

“So I took the car and I drove it off a cliff.”

Leonard knows about this. Jim has told him this story before, although with a great less lots of details.

“When my mom learned, she freaked out. She'd just lost a son in a sense, and she thought I did it because I wanted to die. I didn't, I wasn't suicidal, I was just angry. She didn't listen. She sent me to live off-planet with some relatives I'd never met.”

Bones tries his best to keep impassible, but he is surprised. He did not know Jim left Iowa before he joined Starfleet.

“I was so angry. I was angry at everyone and refused to talk. It took me some time to deal with Sam leaving and me being sent off to another planet because my mom couldn't be bothered to stay with us. But I accepted it and I even started to enjoy it. My aunt and my uncle were kind, and I made some friends around my age. It was weird at first, I didn't know how to act because I'd never really had any friends before, but they were nice and we got along. Finally, I could feel this place becoming a home.”

Jim suddenly stares directly into Leonard's eyes. There is so much raw emotion in those eyes: sorrow, anger, exhaustion, trust, determination. He feels dizzy just by looking at his friend.

“The colony I was sent to, that planet where my aunt and uncle lived, it was Tarsus IV.”

The world stops around them. The silence is such that Bones can hear his own blood coursing through his veins. The atmosphere is electric, as if even a breathe would send the universe ablaze.

“You... You were on Tarsus IV?” Leonard asks, and his voice sounds hollow even to his hears.

“Yeah, Bones, I was.”

Another realization dawns upon him.

“You're one of the Tarsus Nine.”

That explains the gap in his medical record, even a survivor of the Tarsus massacre would have their injuries listed for their physician to treat them accordingly. But the identities of the Tarsus Nine are heavily guarded for their own protection, he thinks.

“Yes.”

“Oh, gosh, kid. Jim.”

He might be crying, it does not matter. Jim, his best friend, his everything, went through literal hell and still is one of the best person in the whole universe, always ready to save and protect everyone.

“Bones, I'm fine.”

“No you're not.”

Jim softens, melts on the couch a little, as if a weight was taken off his shoulders.

“You're right, I'm not fine. But I'm going to get better, I'm already getting better.”

“Jim I don't know what to say.”

His friend's smile is sad and melancholic, and his eyes are lifeless, almost gray.

Bones is truly at a loss for words, he just wants to hug his friend and never let go, shield him from everything that ever hurt him, but he can't, he can't do anything. Jim is too tense, he wouldn't like being touched right now, Bones knows it, he also knows he can't protect him because Jim does not want to be protected, he stands and faces the world with a smile, he needs to be the best, the strongest, and he is, but he is also so young, so brave and reckless, he needs someone to be there for him.

Bones will always assure this role, no matter what.

“I never talked about it because it'd have made it real, and I just couldn't accept that”, Jim says, he sounds tired and his voice is strangled. “Pike knew what happened to me, he tried talking about it with me, but I couldn't. I get why know, I never dealt with it, not really, because I couldn't accept it happened in the first place. I was so angry because it took the first family I ever had, and it took the little innocence I had left. It took everything from me."

Bones takes Jim's hand and squeezes hard, anchoring him in the moment, tearing him away from his terrible past. Jim smiles at him, his eyes coming back to their startling blue, so full of life, the forever beacon in Leonard's darkest nights.

“It didn't take everything from you,” Bones says softly. “You're still here. You're the strongest person I've ever known, this place didn't break you.”

“Maybe, but it changed me, it affected me, even if I didn't want it to. What I saw there, what I had to do there, I didn't want to let it influence me. So when I came back to Earth, I tried to forget. I didn't ever talk to the other eight, I just made sure they were alive, and I didn't look back after that. It was a mistake. I need to face it, and telling someone is the first step to get better. And, really, who else could I have told than you?”

“I'm always here, kid.”

They don't talk anymore about Tarsus IV that night, but from then on, Jim shares random memories about his stay on that dreadful planet and how it shaped him. Bones always listens to whatever Jim feels like confessing.

It's sometimes terrifying, often heart-wrenching and tragic, but Jim also talks about before the famine when he was happy and loved, and it breaks Bones' heart to learn about all that he has lost.

The more he learns about Tarsus IV, the more he loves and respects him.

Tarsus IV could have reduced him to a broken mess, but it made him kind and noble. He is still flawed and fragile at times, but he always does his best to save everyone he can, and feels deeply every loss, feels like he can never be or never do enough.

Bones wishes Jim could see himself the way he sees him.

 

* * *

 

 

  * 8\. Forgive your father



 

Jim is alone in his quarters. He is not ready to face the rest of his crew yet. This has never happened before, but this is different.

Today is his birthday.

Today is the anniversary of his father's death.

Every year on this day, he runs away from everyone. People think he gets drunk, and for a few years, he did. Now, he usually just avoids the pitying looks, the tentative birthday wishes, the questions, he just hides and mopes by himself as long as possible.

The first year they knew each other, Bones tried to stay with him, but Jim pushed him away, unused to the feeling of someone actually caring for him and his well-being. But Leonard McCoy is nothing but a stubborn man, and has since wormed his way past Jim's defenses.

Every year, Bones finds wherever he is hiding and sits with him, close enough that Jim can feel his presence, but leaving enough space that he does not feel trapped.

Even now, captain of the best starship out there, surrounded by people who are more family than friends or simple crew members, he still clings to a ghost he never knew.

It is his first birthday since he died and came back to life.

He does not feel the same. He is changed, in ways he cannot comprehend fully.

He notices the differences, sometimes, and they don't surprise him as much as he thought. It's a good change, something that he needed but was not ready for until now.

In the last months, he has thought a lot about his life, about his father.

Finally, he accepts it: he has been angry at his father his whole life for leaving him. It's not logical, Spock would probably say, it's not rational. But he can't help it.

But now that he has been in the same situation as his father, that he had to give up his own life so that his crew and countless other people would not lose theirs, he finally understands it. He always did, of course, but he still resented him somehow.

He was angry at his father for abandoning him. Why did it have to be him? Couldn't he be someone else who made the sacrifice? Why did Jim have to grow up without a father?

Now, he's tired of being angry.

He wants to move on.

He looks at the stars and whispers: “I forgive you, Dad.”

He imagines his dad hears him. He feels better.

Time to face his friends now, or they might get worried and drag him away from his room. Jim knows they have something prepared for his birthday even if he asked not to several times.

Stubborn imbeciles, he thinks fondly.

 

* * *

 

 

  * 9\. Be a good captain



 

“Happy birthday captain!”

Jim cannot even pretend to be mad. His senior crew members are standing in his ready room next to a huge peach cake, his all time favorite. They are all wearing silly hats, and he wishes he had a holo-imager so he could keep this instant forever.

Bones and Spock particularly look hilarious, Jim thinks he has never seen Bones look so sulky and it takes everything for him not to burst out laughing.

“Didn't I tell you not to do anything?” Jim asks in his best captain voice, but the effect is ruined by the big grin on his face.

“You did, we just didn't listen,” Uhura jokes as she puts a hat on his head.

“Captain! You need to blow up the candles,” Chekov says excitedly, not realizing the slip-up.

“Alright, alright.”

“Don't forget to make a wish,” Sulu adds.

“Everyone is giving me orders, here I thought I was the captain of this ship,” Jim complains good-heartedly.

“Just blow the damn candles,” Bones growls but Jim hears the tenderness behind it anyway.

Jim complies and wishes for two things. He knows he is supposed to wish only for one, but he never has liked to play by the rules.

“So, what's your wish, laddie?” Scotty asks.

“If I say it, it won't happen!”

“This is illogical, captain,” Spock intervenes, looking as serious as ever even with the bright purple hat he is wearing. “There is no causality between saying something out loud and its realization. As a matter of fact, blowing candles on a birthday cake is no reason for a wish to become reality either.”

Jim jumps on the occasion to avoid answering the question and teases Spock, and then teases all of his friends for different reasons while they tease him back easily.

They spend a great time together, they laugh and they joke, and for the first time Jim does not mind celebrating his birthday. For the first time, he allows people other than Bones to be with him.

He even receives some gifts.

(He can't remember the last time he got gifts on his birthday.)

They offer him a suit made of bubble wrap because he gets hurt “way too many times, you careless idiot”, an old phonograph that still functions along with a few records “because we know you're actually an old man” and a miniaturized replica of the Enterprise.

He hugs them all one by one and they pretend his eyes are not red with tears.

“So what's your wish?” Bones asks when it calms down and everyone is chatting together.

“Come on, not you too!”

Bones raises an eyebrow, silently awaiting an answer. Jim sighs, he can never refuse anything to his best friend.

“I wished to be a good captain, happy now?”

“That's stupid,” Uhura says, sneaking up behind them. “You're supposed to wish for things you don't already have.”

Jim blinks.

“Lieutenant Uhura, are you complimenting me?”

“Consider it a birthday present.”

It is his birthday indeed, and for the first time he feels no anger.

He is happy and at peace. He belongs on this ship, with these people, there is no doubt about that. It's his crew, it's his friends, it's his family. Something he never had before.

His heart swells up with love and, in a rare moment of acceptance that has been happening more often recently, he does not suppress the feeling but lets it grow.

“You okay, captain?”Sulu asks when he says nothing for too long.

“Yeah. Just thinking about all the cake that's left.”

“You're not eating any more cake, Jim. You already had four slices, dammit.”

“Bones, don't rain on my parade. It's my birthday, I can do whatever the hell I want.”

“No.”

In the end, he does not get cake, he does not mind though. He has everything he needs.

Gosh, when did he get so lucky? There was a time he thought he'd never make it past twenty and that he'd die alone, probably in a ditch after one too many bar fights.

James Tiberius Kirk has never believed himself to be a good man, so how can he ever pretend to be the captain his crew deserves?

But they go and do things like this, they throw him surprise parties for his birthday, they care about him and are not ashamed to show it in millions of little ways, they stand by him despite everything and they won't ever let go.

This gives him hope that maybe, just maybe, he already is a good captain.

And that's enough for now because he will never stop trying to be better, not to prove the world wrong, but to prove his family right.

 

* * *

 

  * 4\. Tell Bones you love him: for good this time



 

It's late and in a few minutes it won't be his birthday anymore, and Jim feels invincible. He can count on his hands how many times in his life he has been this happy.

Not that long ago, he would have thought he would never get that chance of happiness, that he did not even deserve it.

How wrong has he been!

All his life he has longed for a family, and now he has one in his wonderful crew. He feels loved like he never has before. They respect and trust him.

Jim sees it in Uhura's smile when he surprises her. He sees it in Sulu's silent support. He sees it in Bones' harmless gibes. He sees it in Chekov's unwavering faith in him. He sees it in Spock's calm presence at his side. He sees it in Scotty's humorous insults.

He is happy, he tells himself, as he bids goodnight to them, but there is something missing in his life.

He looks at Bones and he knows what he has to do, even simply for his own sanity. He has to know. Time to make his second wish come true. Or have his hope stepped on, never to grow again.

“Let's go to my room?” he asks him, when the others have left.

Bones nods and they say nothing, quietly walking through the Enterprise's corridors. Jim feels a restless nervousness which he does not try to hide, Bones clearly notices but does not mention it until they are in the captain's quarters.

“What's wrong?”Bones asks as soon as the door closes behind them.

“Nothing,” Jim answers hastily. “I just wanted to tell you something.”

He sits on the couch and Bones joins him after a moment of hesitation. Jim avoids looking at his best friend. He knows that what he is about to confess will change things between them, no matter the result.

He wants to believe that Bones will love him as he wants him to, but he braces himself up for rejection anyway.

“First, you gotta promise me that you won't hate me for this.”

“Jim, I could never hate you, you know that. What's going on?”

“Please, just, just promise okay?” he says with a note of desperation in his voice.

“I swear.”

There is no doubt for Bones. He will never leave Jim, could never hate him. Without Jim, he cannot function, that is as simple as that.

“Bones.”

Jim says the nickname like it holds every answers the universe, like it's the most important thing to ever exist. And it does, and it is, to him.

“I'm going to say something, but I don't want you to say anything until I'm done, okay? Not a thing.”

“Alright, kid.”

Is this tears he can see in those bright blue eyes of his?

“Bones,” Jim repeats. “You know being captain is probably the best thing that's happened to me. I love it, I love the ship, I love the crew, I love when we save people, I love when we discover new civilizations or new planets, damn, I even love the boring missions. I just love it.”

Jim nods to himself. He can't look at Bones, he can't see the confusion and worry written on his face. This is something he has to say it, he will not back down this time and damn the consequences!

“You know it, everyone knows it. James T. Kirk loves being the captain of the USS Enterprise. But Bones, I'd give it up, I'd give up everything if you asked me to. Because there's one thing I love more than anything, and it's you.”

He forces himself to look up at Bones, who is completely still, taken aback by the confession.

“Leonard McCoy, I am in love with you, have been for a long time now. It doesn't matter if you feel the same, but I just had to tell you. I'm not saying it because I expect you to feel the same, I'm saying it because I already died once, and you would have never known.”

“Jim...” Bones' voice is strangled, and Jim's heart breaks.

“Let me finish, Bones, please. You promised.”

“I – okay.”

“Bones, I love you. I probably should have told you sooner, but I didn't know how. I've never felt like this before. I've never been in love. And it scares the hell out of me, because I'm completely out of my depths. I wasn't even going to say it, because I can't lose you, but I died Bones, I died and while I was dying I just thought of you, and you would have never known how much I loved you because I was too much of a coward to say it.”

“Jim,” Bones says urgently.

“Hang on, just on last thing and after that, you can talk. I know things are gonna change between us, we can't pretend like this didn't happen. I just don't want things to get weird between us, our friendship means too much to me. I won't make it weird. I know what kind of person I am, I won't get a happy ending, that's just not for me, but as I long as you're my friend, it's enough. Hell, it's more than enough. So don't feel bad for not feeling the same, because there's no – ”

“Jim, shut the fuck up right now and let me talk!”

Bones is fuming. Jim feels like he's just been stabbed. He expected disgust and anger, but seeing it first hand is way worse than anything he ever imagined.

“James Kirk, you are the worst imbecile to ever exist if you don't think I'm in love with you, you stupid reckless jerk. Are you insane? How can you not know? For god's sake, I brought you back from the _dead,_ Jim, I broke my oath as a doctor, I bent the rules of life and death, and you think it's simple friendship? I've been in love with you since I met you on that damn shuttle, it just took me a while to get it.”

To say Jim is astonished would be the biggest understatement to have ever been uttered.

“You what?” he asks, lost, his throat is dry, he feels dizzy. Still, he can't bear to hope.

“I am in love with you, Jim,” Bones says and he is tired. His whole body is turned to mush, as if boneless. Jim would find the thought hilarious, but Jim is not laughing right now.

“Bones, don't fuck with me, I'm serious,” he warns.

“So am I.”

Something snaps inside of Jim, so loud he is sure the whole ship can heart it. All his insecurities, his doubt and self-hatred broken down by three words.

“You love me,” he breathes out.

“Yeah. And you love me.”

They look at each other, both breathless and amazed. The world is still around them as they realize the implications of what they just learned.

“Why didn't you say anything?”

“Why didn't you?”

Suddenly, they laugh, because what can they do? It all seems so ludicrous, years of pining because both were too afraid to say anything, they could have been together for so long. So they laugh, because it is better than crying over what they did not have, they laugh over their own stupidity and they laugh because they can finally reach to the happiness they have longed for.

“This is ridiculous,” Jim says through a hiccup. “Bones, we're ridiculous.”

Neither can say who initiated it, but they are kissing and they are still laughing. There is too much teeth, they stop too many times to breath, the couch is uncomfortable in their position.

It's perfect. It's theirs.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

It's a mantra they will be repeating for the rest of their lives, a promise to always be there for one another through all the hardships and all the joys. They don't need rings or vows to know that they will never abandon the other.

They are not perfect, they are both stubborn and too proud, but they make each other better.

As long as they have each other, they can face anything.

 

* * *

 

 

  * 10\. Live



 

“Captain on the bridge!”

Jim sits on the chair, smiling brightly at his crew. He feels more alive than he has ever felt in his life, even before Khan he has never felt so complete.

Bones is standing besides him, Spock is on his other side. The rest of his crew are at their posts, ready for what awaits them, and pride seizes him.

“The coordinates for the next mission have been set?”

“Yes, sir,” Chekov answers.

“Then, Mr Sulu, punch it.”

The USS Enterprise flies to new adventures and with it are the best and brightest of Starfleet, ready to face new challenges and mysteries.

Its captain closes his eyes as he feels its engines humming.

He is exactly where he is meant to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Tadam!
> 
> I gotta admit that I'm really proud of this, which is surprising because I'm rarely proud of what I write.
> 
> Thank you for reading, I hope this was good enough and not too OOC. I really love the friendship between the crew and I've always wanted to write something about that.
> 
> Thanks again for reading :)
> 
> PS: Please excuse any mistake, I've read it many times but still, I'm sure there are many left!


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